stuck between Kor and Amer

Recently, Macklemore’s song “Vipassana”, the tune and lyrics, has been rocking my mind. My thoughts danced to the tune and flow. Years of academics tell me I need to run them through dry outlines, revisions and double-checking and also I should OD on being OCD when I have these thoughts to muse: run them through the rat maze until their juices dry up into wrinkly, unpublished drafts.

And it does suck having an obsessive compulsive order when it comes to locks and digits. I circle around double-check my car doors and windows like an awkward merry-go-round. Also checking and re-checking that the numbers on my timesheet and paperwork are correct. Math used to be a childhood favorite but now at times fill me with dread.

I was with my mom yesterday in the store that sells glasses and the Korean owner was quick to comment on my fumbling mother tongue. I couldn’t but to feel self-conscious as a K-A – proud of my spicy fermented cabbage roots and my red-white-and-blue upbringing – but instead my identity has gone MIA.

Shot down by ethnocentric critics and self-doubt, it’s hard to reconcile my golden yellow skin and the cream filling inside.

whim aside #2: the korean-american identity

whim aside #2: the korean-american identity

Other than the one I wrote when I started this blog last May, I have been stumped on how to write about the Korean American. It’s ironic because I’m K-A myself, a second-generation child of immigrants. Maybe it’s just harder because it’s like telling a fish to describe what it’s like to breathe underwater.

Looks like it’s James Joyce’s magic to the rescue with to let my mind go on stream-of-consciousness mode though of course, there’s going to be a bit revising and proofreading here and there to make this more readable.

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So I’m an American Born Korean. When people see me, they see me first an Asian and then as an American on the way I dress or speak. That’s how I perceive it, but I don’t think much about my ethnicity when actually talking to them.

I have been fortunate to grow up in a city with a vibrant Korean community and located near Los Angeles, the mecca of Korean America. I even attended a public high school where it was about 50% Asians and of those Asians, about 80% were Koreans.

Other than the physical features, I wonder what makes a Korean American, a Korean. Is it because they could speak Korean fluently? Is it that they relish in eating Bibimbap and plenty of Kimchi (and not just K-BBQ)? Are they active in Korean traditional activities like drumming or dancing? Or is it that they have an thorough knowledge and interest in Korean literature?

If a non-Korean can say yes to all these things, can he be considered Korean?

Or is it because you’re Korean by blood even if you get your 안녕히가세요 and 안녕히계세요 mixed up? Then what about those who are part-Korean? Does that mean they are…less Korean?

(Aside-in-aside: I recommend watching David Boyle’s quirky indie flick Big Dreams, Little Tokyo and while it’s not about Koreans, it is about a white guy who is “more Asian” than his Japanese-American roommate, aspiring to be a sumo wrestler.)

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I’ll conclude with three questions I imagine a reader asking me:

Are you related to Kim Jong-Un?

It is unlikely he’s my cousin, uncle, or nephew separated by the nineth degree; however, if you go back somewhere in the 1200’s, I might be. Or if you play the sixth degree of separation game, I might be, but then that also means you might be too, whether you’re Korean or not.

Are you related to Psy?

Wait, what? Okay, maybe you might think so because we have the same dance moves (actually no) or we both wear classy shades (mine’s better). But no, but probably years ago, my great-[insert many greats] grandfather probably danced with his.

Okay, how about something not pop culture oriented?

Are you North or South Korean?

I’ve been living in Orange County, California since I was in kindergarden. So I consider myself to be Southern Korean. And no, I don’t have a drawl in my speech, and with this, see ya’ll.

¹There are two ways to say goodbye in Korean, and it depends on who is leaving and who is staying behind. This Yahoo! answer post explains it and it is also where I copied and paste it because typing Korean on the keyboard is a pain for a K-A like me.

k-pop songs alternatives to psy

Ten million views in the first day for Psy’s Gentleman, so far.

I wasn’t disappointed because I didn’t expect much. While I like the catchy tune from Gangnam Style, Gentleman recycled many elements like the fuzzy beats and the crazy antics. Of course, it falls under pop, and things that are pop always have a formula that makes them successful.

But after releasing an epic music video and being expected to come up with a follow-up, I give him props for trying and when you think about it, better to play it safe by reusing some stuff than try something different, like singing country. Good effort, and also thanks for letting me take a picture with you.

Anyways, in case you like Psy’s songs but want to find some other songs to listen, I got some in mind. Thanks to my brother’s collection of K-pop music from the ’90s, I still recall some of them with nostalgic fondness.

One plus to enjoying these songs is that you can share them and get kudos from your Korean friends or K-pop-drama-loving friends. Don’t expect Kim Jong-Un to be so pleased at your suggestion, unless you’re willing to make up to him by giving him a Dennis Rodman trading card.

So here are some songs that I recall from the good o’ ’90s (and early ’00s):

Run to You by DJ DOC: One of the classic Korean hip-hop groups. This is from their later album. A mixture of club and dance influence.

DOC Wa Choomil by DJ DOC: A song from one of their early albums, but more catchy and easygoing.

Just the Two of Us by Turbo (feat. Will Smith): While we’re on the topic of K-pop songs, I thought I bring up this song. It may not be as upbeat, but it does have some star power. Yes, it’s Smith and his ’90s rappin’ self. I heard this song many times, but saw the music video for the first time when finding the Youtube link. It’s worth to see the awkward placement of the rappers.

I’m sure there are more K-pop songs out there, and if you know any that has a nice pop vibe, please share them by commenting below.

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Is it too late for Psy and Will Smith to come up with something crazy awesome?

on blogging

When I began this blog a few weeks ago, I was a bit skeptical. It’s not my first one; so why bother with another one? There’s probably a landfill of abandoned blogs somewhere on the Internet, and I pray that mine does not end up in that doomed slush pile.

Now that I’m not in my high school days on Xanga blogging unnecessary, irrational angst, you could say that I became more eloquent and thoughtful since then. Throughout my time in college and two years after getting my Bachelor’s in English, I have developed a sense of who I am and discovered what I’m interested in. So if you’re expecting this blog to be about lavish lifestyle, high-brow literary criticism, and tweed jackets, I’m sorry but I don’t believe in documenting pretension. Instead, I blog things that appeal to me.

When it comes to the topic of blogging, however, I could relate to how actor Simon Pegg feels about autobiographies: “You see them congesting the bookshop shelves at Christmas. Rows of needy smiles, sad clowns and serious eyes, proclaiming faux-modest life stories, with titles such as This Is Me, or Why, Me?, or Me, Me, Me.” And he adds quite sharply: “There’s something presumptuous in writing an autobiography, as if people’s interest in your life is a given.”

A weird way to for him to begin his autobiography by dismissing the genre, but then again, Simon Pegg is weird in that awesome, nerdy way of deconstructing things. He also does make a point that published personal writings, like autobiographies and blogs, can be perceived as heaps of borderline narcissism and deep-rooted insecurities; however, I believe if the blogger takes the time to understand himself and his interests before publishing his thoughts, he then can contribute something worthwhile and substantial for his readers.

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Growing up, I have been always drawn to books written about Koreans and Korea. My parents bought me translated works of the classic authors like Kim Dong-in and Yi Sang. My cousin gave me two books about Korea, both of them written by Andrew C. Nahm. I purchased two short story collections, Korean Modern Fiction and Land of Exile, for my college Korean literature course. I found The Korean War by Bruce Cummings at Borders’ during its clearance sale. Of course, I haven’t read everything, and hope to read them soon. It’s difficult when there’s so many books out there to read, all vying for your attention. Don’t even mention blogs, Youtube, and webcomics.

Yet when I browse the biography/memoir shelf at Barnes & Noble, I do not find a contemporary book there written by a Korean American. Instead, I usually come across ones either about a soldier from the Korean War or a defector from North Korea. At home, there are two books, Still Life with Rice and Quiet Odyssey, but these two memoirs concern about the lives of Korean woman a few decades ago; not exactly what I’m looking for. Well, according to Amazon.com, there is The World is Bigger Now by Euna Lee, one of the two journalists who were imprisoned in North Korea back in 2009. Then there’s also The Bee Eater, which is about Michelle Rhee, a bold school reformer. I don’t know, I want to read something that isn’t attached to some celebrity, something about your KA-next-door. Is asking for a memoir written by some 2nd generation Korean-American guy so I could have somebody real to relate too much to ask? And no, don’t try to placate me with DVDs of Lost or a cup of Red Mango frozen yogurt. Now you’re just messing with me.

What I’m looking for is something in the likes of the website I Am Korean American. While not exactly a hard copy, it is a good place to visit where you can browse a collection of profiles about Korean Americans describing themselves and their thoughts on their ethnic identity. This is the closest I can find for now. I submitted my profile, since I find myself to be an interesting Korean American, I think.

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Of course, I do have some self-doubt about blogging. What if I mess up on my verb tenses or get mixed up with spelling “Max” with “Mix” as seen in the previous post? I don’t want to be the guy at a party with broccoli between his teeth, and everyone avert their gaze elsewhere while maintaining their polite, veg-free smiles. Then I become the talk of the town among 8th grade grammar teachers. I don’t have a publisher, a literary agent, or a comfortable tweed jacket. Well, I still do have a cigar that someone gave to me during my first year in college, haven’t smoked it yet…maybe when I have a child.

Well, in spite of my doubts of whether I have to blog will interest anyone and my fears of the current tense and the imperfect future, it’s something that I would want to read. Strangely, this sounds like what I would want to write.

on being korean american

I saw the Wrath of the Titans at the La Mirada Dollar Theater a few days ago, and the quote in the movie that struck me was when Zeus told demigod Perseus that “being half-human makes you stronger than a god.”

No, this post has nothing to do with some argument about religion.

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I’m Asian-American (Korean-American in particular), and there were times when I wished that I was either American (i.e. Caucasian) or Korean. I often have felt inferior for not looking “white bread” enough while not being able to speak Korean well enough, which in a way makes me a Twinkie, yellow on the outside but white inside. Never felt like I belonged fully as a Korean or an American. Like I was some mutant.

I even remember when I was a toddler that I insisted to my father that I was “American Korean” because I was born an American. How cute, or acute, or both.

To make matters more complicated, Asian culture is group-oriented while American culture is individual-oriented. Then I find myself contemplating deeply: when is it appropriate to identify myself with a group and when to identify myself as myself, an individual?

So going back to the movie quote, I understand why it is more powerful to be a hybrid (e.g. demigod) than a whole (e.g. god with lower case g). To understand when to embrace my Asian and American selves, and to make the best from these two identities.

In the film Big Dreams, Little Tokyo, Jerome, a Japanese American, struggles with being bicultural, and he overcompensates his Asian self by training to be a sumo wrestler, but at the same time, he shows no interest in learning to speak Japanese. It is at the end of the film that Jerome learns about his identity: an Asian American is a bridge between two cultures.

To be only an American or Asian only limits a person to one experience, but to be both American and Asian allows him to be immersed in two worlds at the same time, like the intersected space found in a Venn diagram. It is a strange paradox to be both the minority and majority, the immigrant and the resident. While I was born a U.S. citizen, I could sense some people assuming that I might have been born elsewhere by my eyes or my incorrect usage of verb tenses found in my college papers.

As a Korean American, it is my responsibility to not neglect one of my cultural identities in favor of the other, but rather to apply them when necessary.

As a Korean, I am thankful for my elders and cultural traditions because I have learned the importance of respecting authority and rules for the greater good of the community, but as an American, I must challenge them when I find something to be incorrect or outdated. Not to do so in a reactionary matter in the form of bigoted banners and signposts, but rather in thoughtful discourse and thought-provoking artwork.

As an American, I appreciate the diversity of ideas and narratives ranging from blogs and tweets to the bestsellers and blockbusters because I value the importance of being able to express one’s opinions and identity freely, but as a Korean, I must challenge them when I find them to be unnecessarily risqué or inappropriate that can become harmful to the community in the future. To do so in a way that allows me to voice my opinion clearly regardless of the popularity or opposition it may bring.

Both of these goals aspire to get people thinking about the matter at hand and not to appeal only to their feelings.

Of course, I admit what has been written is a tall order to myself and to those who share a similar background or sentiment. I do also admit that it may seem like I am breaking my own rules, but what one idea offends one person may enlighten another. It is impossible to please everyone without compromising your good conscience.

I am human and prone to my shortcomings, but I hope in spite of my weakness, I could contribute something worthwhile.